A Christmas Revelation
by MRSSPICY
Summary: Occurs 4 years after the war. Severus has lost his purpose and direction now that the Dark Lord has been vanquished. Can he find happiness? AU Rated M for Adult themes and explicit romance scenes.
1. Chapter 1 Too Much Frivolity

A Christmas Revelation

**Chapter 1 – Too Much Frivolity**

There were too many Christmas trees.

_Why,_ Snape thought, _Why must there be a tree in every nook? And why did Minerva insist on filling the entire school with such outlandish decorations?_ Every year it seemed to become more ridiculous. There had even been ornaments hanging from the ceiling outside the potions classroom. Well, he had taken care of them this morning. The tiny globes were easily vanished with a flick of the Potions master's wand.

As Snape swooped around a corner on his way back from lunch, he stumbled into yet another Christmas tree, this one placed directly in the middle of the main hallway. It was enormous. Hagrid seemed to have found the largest and most outrageously bushy fir in the entire Forbidden Forest. The branches shook violently at Severus's attempts to untangle himself without causing a disturbance, but unfortunately, there were carolers standing just on the other side of the tree.

Gasping, the group of students stopped their singing in mid-sentence. In the ensuing silence, the singularly annoying sound of crashing ornaments ricocheted off the stone walls around them. As each glass ball fell like a bomb on the tiles, the entire assembly of gathered merrymakers focused their eyes on Snape.

"Well, what are you staring at?" he growled, lashing out dangerously with a tremendous roar. "Get to your classes, you little nitwits. It's nearly time for the bell. Henderson, you are miles away from the Divination classroom, and you, Patterson, are to be in the Astronomy tower in less than four minutes." Snape's mood had turned even darker than was normal, his eyes flashing like obsidian daggers. As his eyes flicked from one student to the next, he attempted to brush off the offending tinsel that was clinging tenaciously to his wool frock coat. With one last burst, he spat out a final order. "Now everyone – off with you."

Like an explosion, the children began to move, falling over each other in their haste. The exodus led to an almost riotous scrambling of arms and legs as they tried to get away, lest a last-minute detention find its way onto their schedules. It was only two days before the holiday break, and spending time with Snape in the dungeons serving detention was not a desirable situation.

After the corridor had finally cleared and the bell had finished its insistent clanging, Snape once again resumed his march back to the dungeons and the privacy of his office. The only class he had left to teach that day was his Newt level seventh years. Perhaps the pleasure of teaching his most talented students would lift his waning spirits. Shaking his head, Severus was not at all optimistic. After all he'd been through, he began to wonder if he would ever find pleasure in anything again.

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It had happened once more as he knew it would. Always, it was on Christmas Eve. The small package was resting, as usual, right in the middle of Snape's large oak desk. The item had been wrapped beautifully with a dark green paper and slender silver ribbons, the ends curling up in a mocking resemblance of a smile. As soon as Severus saw the thing, he could feel his face flush in anger and frustration. What diabolical fiend or wizard was responsible for this annoyance? The puzzling question slammed through his brain like a charging hippogriff.

Quickly, Snape reviewed the clues. Every year it had occurred in same fashion. The item appeared the day before Christmas and was placed squarely in the middle of his desk. The gifts were never very expensive, but they were always things he truly wanted or found useful. Only someone that knew Severus intimately could possibly have known of his desires. Some years he had received books, other times there were rare potions ingredients or articles of clothing, such as gloves. Last year he had received a much needed black leather wallet. Certainly, there was no harm in the gifts, but the frustration of not knowing the identity of the culprit was getting very tiresome indeed.

The trouble had begun over 20 years ago, appearing every Christmas that he had taught at Hogwarts. The only year that he did not receive the gift was the one he had spent in St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries after the war, and that was four and a half years ago. He had even received the present when he'd been headmaster that fateful term so long ago. Absently, Severus rubbed the long deep scars on his neck, remembering all too well the pain of the attack that had almost killed him. To this day, he had never discovered the identity of his savior, the one who had delivered his blood-drained body to St. Mungo's.

There were too many strange puzzles that had no solutions in his life, but Severus was getting tired of them. He was getting tired of everything. His life had lost its direction and purpose once the Dark Lord had been vanquished. All he had left now was his teaching assignment, and that was an empty, unfulfilling endeavor. Term after term, he lectured about the same things, mumbled the same words over and over to a changing faceless sea of ungrateful students, their parents as unappreciative as their offspring.

No one cared about Snape. He had no real friends. There were colleagues, yes, and he had the respect of his peers in the potions world. Those other academics busied themselves with maintaining the old ways and never attempted to experiment. They were all a bunch of useless, lazy idiots, and he had no use for them.

Severus looked at the package as he stood with his hands clasped tightly behind his back. But this gift, it was an anomaly. It simply should not exist. Over the years he had speculated on its origins. It could have been Dumbledore, but as the old wizard had been dead now for more than five years, it was certainly not him. And Severus did not want to be reminded of that. Placing his long fingers on his temple, he rubbed the skin, somehow hoping it would help him think.

Lifting the beautifully wrapped package, he smelled it but could detect only a vague, light perfume. Perhaps the delicate fragrance had come from a bar of scented soap used to wash the hands before the wrapping was added. Next, he shook the gift and could discern a gurgling sound. The small box was quite heavy for a small item, and he thought it might be a liquid—maybe even a potion of some sort.

Disgusted with himself for indulging in idle curiosity, he placed the package back on the desk, adjusting it so that it was again placed exactly in the center of the desk. At one time, he thought it could have been Pomona or Minerva, but they had steadfastly denied it. He had never asked Madame Pomfrey, but she didn't seem the type.

No longer able to resist, he picked up the gift. With precise movements, he slipped the silver ribbons off the wrapping and tugged at the dark green parchment. It fell open easily to reveal a bottle of dark red ink. A rare smile crossed his lips. This was the exact shade of red he loved to use when marking papers. Beside the bottle was a brand new quill. It was of the correct size and fit in his hand beautifully.

In a swift movement, he sat down at the desk and pulled out a fresh piece of parchment. Opening the bottle he dipped the new quill in the ink and began to write, lowering his head close to the page to examine the way the line drew smoothly across the surface. It was a simple pleasure, but one he enjoyed.

And then he felt something very strange. There was the smallest movement of air across his neck. The brief sensation had even made his hair move ever so slightly. Perhaps he had imagined it, but no. He was sure he had felt something. Turning around slowly, his eyes searched the shadows behind him, the shelves illuminated only by the candlelight in the wall sconce by his chair.

"Ghosts …" he murmured.

Setting the parchment and the new bottle of ink aside, he picked up the latest copy of the Daily Prophet and opened it up, wanting to distract himself from the flood of questions that were spilling from his brain. As he looked at the ads, the happy faces of family reunions and sweet lovers smiled up at him from the newspaper. A sadness that he had been trying to ignore now overwhelmed him. For days, the persistent feeling of emptiness and lack of purpose in his life had nagged at his soul, accusing him of having wasted his life. There was also loneliness. He had not wanted to admit it. Stalwartly, he had tried to convince himself that he didn't need anyone. Friendship was a burden and a menace. The people you let get close would only hurt you or die and leave you abandoned.

Squeezing his eyes closed for a moment, he inhaled and attempted to squash his feelings. Looking at the paper once more, he began to read an article about a woman that had been reunited with her son after almost 50 years, her son having searched for her all that time. The picture showed the two embracing, the woman crying as she held her son and welcomed him joyously into her life.

"Blast …" Severus blurted aloud and threw the paper down. Were there only painful reminders of his pain? His mother had been dead almost 25 years this Christmas. She had killed herself in an attempt to get out of her loveless marriage. Severus frowned as his thoughts replayed that dark afternoon when he had found her in his parent's bedroom, dead from an illegal potion. There had been a note, but he remembered that he was unable to read it at the time, the tears clouding his vision.

Tears. He rarely let his emotions overwhelm him to the point of shedding tears, but there was another time, the memory rising like a dust storm before him. He had found a picture of Lily at number 12 Grimwald Place. The vision of her sweet smile and long red hair burned as brightly as when she was alive. His hand went to his desk drawer and pulled it open. The old, yellowed envelope was still there, tucked away, the photo within remaining hidden. His fingers touched the surface and seemed to burn him, the pain coming strongly again, his broken heart ripping open as if it had happened only moments ago instead of decades. She was long dead. Gone forever. Never would he hear her vibrant voice or look in the green eyes that had danced with mischief. He couldn't bring himself to open the envelope. Slowly, he closed the drawer.

Why was he torturing himself? It did no good. There was nothing, absolutely nothing, he could do to get her back. His life was over and had been ever since that fateful night when the Dark Lord had ended Lily's life.

And then, in a leap of vision, Severus realized what he had to do. Lily could never come to him, but the time had come for him to join her.

A plan began to form in his mind. It would be easy to do. At first he contemplated bringing along a potion to numb the pain, but that would never do. He needed to feel it. With a new found resolve, he sat up in his chair and nodded to himself. It would be the Black Lake. The icy water would take him into its depths and provide a rebirth into the afterlife. Lily would be waiting.

But, should he write a note? Like his mother had? No, there was no one in this world that needed to know what he had done, much less the why of it. No one had cared what he ever did, so why would they now?

Standing, he placed his fingertips on the desk and looked slowly around his office. There on the chair was his black cloak. His gloves were on the top of the bookcase, his overcoat on the hook by the door. There was, however, one additional item that would be going with him. His hand slipped to the desk drawer handle, and he pulled it open for the second time that evening. His long fingers grasped the small envelope, pulling it easily from its hiding place. With great care, he slipped it into his pocket next to his heart. Inhaling deeply, Snape strode toward the door and out into the corridor beyond.


	2. Chapter 2 A Walk toward Destiny

**Aurthor's Note: 122509 **This Chapter has been edited. Thanks to my grammar beta FaintingFancies.

**Chapter 2 – A Walk Toward Destiny**

The wind lashed his face and yanked at his long hair, flinging it back across his nose and into his mouth. A light dusting of snow had fallen earlier that day, and the wind was now using it as a plaything, sweeping the icy pellets along before him in waves. The intense cold took Snape's breath away as he struggled to make headway against it, forcing himself along and down the path to the lake. The cloudless night had blanketed the grounds around him in an inky blackness, obscuring even the shadows in its smothering grip. It suited him.

Walking purposefully, without fear, Severus arrived at the edge of the water and stared down into the black depths. A silly thought entered his mind. He could not swim. How did one go about entering the water? With the same approach that he attacked all problems, he weighed the various alternatives. Should he dive in? No, he did not know the depth of the water, and he preferred the lake to take him rather than a broken neck. Should he run in, looking like a fool to the gods above? No, he would walk in, slowly, feeling the water as it enveloped his body.

The clothes came next. He took off his cloak and then his overcoat, folding them neatly on the ground beside him. He did not want to trouble anyone that would have to dispose of the remains of his life. The least he could do was to be neat and tidy about it. Deep in thought, he slowly unbuttoned his frock coat and removed it as well as his trousers, also folding them in a precise stack. He neglected the use of magic, and instead relished the manual effort of his last acts in this world. He almost forgot to remove the photo, but as he pulled it out of his coat pocket, the wind grasped it in its wicked clutches, lifting it skyward and forever out of sight.

The loss of the photo struck him a heavy blow. He had wanted to look upon Lily's beautiful face once more before he closed his eyes on life, but the winter gale had denied him. In agony, he covered his face with his hands and tried not to cry out, the pain causing him to choke as the tears now began to flow.

"NO!" he shouted into the wind. "I will not be weak!" The sound of his deep aching voice was lost as the gale stole his words, just as it had the image of the woman he loved. But Snape did not need to hear his own pleas. Shaking his head, Severus concentrated on breathing; the simple act of taking the air into his lungs seemed to calm him.

As he had done with the other items, Severus removed his dress shirt and immediately felt the cold air penetrating deep into his skin, numbing his nerves and causing a convulsive shivering that overtook his senses. Placing a good-sized rock on the pile of clothes, he denied the winds of another toy. His boots and socks were last on the pile, adding more weight to the stack.

The time had come. With his teeth chattering so crazily that he thought they would break, Severus turned toward the water. There was no more waiting. As he approached the edge, he realized that the water was partially covered with ice. Shaking furiously from the cold, dressed only in his briefs, Snape walked out on the ice, the cold stabbing the bottoms of his feet like knives. Grimacing, he snarled and his eyes grew wide. With one last step, he fell through the frozen surface, plunging into the icy depths. The shock of the ice water took his breath completely away, the murky depths pulling him down as if he had stepped into a vortex. Within seconds, the black water covered his head, and he was gone.

Silence and peace overtook his senses, but as the water enveloped his body, he heard the muffled cry of a woman's scream followed by a splashing sound. Suddenly, there were hands grasping at his arms and wrapping almost violently around his waist.

"NO!" he screamed back through the water, the icy liquid filling his lungs. With his last bit of strength, he tried to push the hands away. "Leave me alone. _Leave me to die_!" he tried to say, but the words just dribbled out of his mouth, sounding like rainwater through a drainpipe. Relentlessly, the hands kept pulling him with vise like grips, yanking him back to shore. A wand appeared, swirling in the water next to him and then, he felt himself being lifted – levitated up out of the black, icy depths and onto the beach. The relentless arctic wind clawed at his naked wet body, sending even more knifelike stabbings into his nerves.

"What on earth are you doing? You _IDIOT_!" the woman screamed. "Never in my life would I have imagined how _stupid_ … how- how _brainless_ …" The woman sputtered, not knowing what else to say, her body beginning to shake and shiver as if it had been overcome by an earthquake. "Do I have to watch you every minute?"

Strangely, Severus had stopped shivering, his body overcome by hypothermia. His vision had begun to blur as he struggled to get up, finally staggering weakly only to fall back onto the snow-covered ground. But in the haze that was quickly overtaking his senses, he had recognized that voice. Could it be? Could it possibly be her? His love?

"LILY?" he croaked. "LILY, my GOD! My sweet Lily."

"Yes, you f-fool. It's Lily. I'm the one that p-pulled you out. Why I bothered, though, I c-can't imagine," she stuttered, starting a fire just a few feet away. "We can't st-st-ay out here m-much longer. I'm so c-c-cold …"

"Lily …" Severus said weakly before collapsing flat out on the ground.

"Oh, no, you're not going to die now. Not after I-I … j-jumped in that ice water." Pulling him over by the fire, she conjured some blankets. Before she wrapped them around, she pulled him into her arms and hugged him fiercely. He was already unconscious, but she talked to him anyway.

"Damn you, Sev. Here I thought you had gotten your life back together, back to normal. I thought you were over all of this. Over me …" Rubbing her hands on his arms and legs, she saw that his skin had turned blue, and his lips were a horrible shade of purple. "Oh, my God, Sev, don't die, please? I love you so much. Please don't do this …" She felt the tears start to explode down her face, and she wiped her eyes on his icy cold chest. "I always thought I'd be able to hold you one day, but, God, not like this."

She used her wand to blow heat on him, drying his hair and his body. With a jerk, he began to shiver violently again, his teeth starting to chatter so loudly, Lily thought he'd bite his tongue.

"Come on now, big boy. We have to get you back to the castle, back to your bed." With a yank, she tried to get him to stand, but his legs were like jelly, and he fell back down in the snow. "Okay, I guess I'll have to carry you." With a flick of her wand, she conjured a stretcher, pulling him onto it and tying him down securely with ropes for the journey. "There," she said, leaning over him, his face completely limp. Small crystalline flakes of snow had landed on his face, hair and eyelashes, but he was so cold they had not melted, giving him the look of a gray haired old man. Hurriedly, she gave him one last hug and then kissed him on the lips before levitating him in front of her up the path and back to the school.

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Gasping, Severus awoke. His body jerked with convulsions, the shaking and shivering starting once again as his body attempted to recover. Trying to see, he blinked, but the room spun around him making his stomach revolt. With a sudden need, he leaned over the side of the bed and vomited. Moaning, he lay back down flat on his back.

A hand and then a beautiful arm with pale, pink skin reached over him. As he squinted, he could see that the hand held a wand, and the mess he had made was quickly vanished. Closing his eyes once again, he tried to concentrate on overcoming the nausea and the convulsive shivering.

"I wish you'd stop shaking so." A concerned voice spoke to him from the space next to him in the bed. It was then that he realized that he was naked, there was another person lying up against him, and two arms were wrapped tightly around his chest. Fear gripped him, and he tried to struggle away, but the creature sharing his bed slid on top of him, her face now immediately above his.

"Relax. I'm not going to hurt you," she said.

Still trying to focus his eyes, he attempted to concentrate. Something wasn't right. Who was this woman? The voice sounded familiar. He knew he was supposed to understand …

"Sev, can you see me? I know this is a shock, but it's Lily Evans. Lily Evans Potter. Come on, Sev. You remembered last night." She leaned her fully clothed body onto his chest and looked in his eyes, trying to see if they were dilated.

"What … who?" Severus whispered, his voice sounding like sandpaper.

"You heard me. It's Lily," she said smiling, the dimple appearing on her face as she grinned at him.

"Are we … am I in heaven?" he gasped, his eyes closing as the nausea once again caused him to lean over the side of the bed.

"I don't think people vomit in heaven," she said laughing. "No, Sev, you aren't dead. Although, I don't know why. You sure tried hard enough."

Suddenly aware of what had transpired the previous evening, the shock finally took hold. With strength he did not think he had, Severus leapt out of bed and then fell on the floor, his naked backside hitting the cold stones. Frantically, he tried to grab a blanket off the bed to cover his privates, but Lily pulled it away from him.

"Will you get back into bed? You're going to catch pneumonia."

"Who are you? What trick is this? Are you using Polyjuice? How did you do it? _Answer me!"_ Severus rattled off the questions, his mind starting to work almost normally, as he tried to overcome the fog in his brain.

"I'm Lily, Sev. Really, I am. I know this must be a shock, but you need to believe me."

"But, you're dead! Dead and buried. Dumbledore told me … your son … Potter … how?" he sputtered. Snape struggled up off of the floor, forgetting he was in his birthday suit.

Lily pointed at his maleness and cleared her throat, the wide grin still on her face. "Ah … you are going to start shivering again. Can you please get into bed?" She drew back the covers but instead he looked at her, his eyes wide with disbelief.

"You sound so much like her. You look … like her."

"But older, yes, I know. I'm 42. Just like you." Lily's voice got softer, and the grin disappeared from her face. "But I feel more like I'm 80. Life has been a little crazy, I think for both of us."

Still wary, Severus approached the bed before sliding between the covers. But when Lily snuggled up to him again, he stiffened. "Don't," he said coldly.

His voice saddened her, and she moved away from him. "I just thought you'd get warmer faster if I …" she stopped when she saw the look on Snape's face. It was contorted in disgust and disbelief, the pain of this revelation too much for him to handle.

"I will need to see the headmaster. The Aurors will need to be summoned for impersonation …"

"Sev, NO! Stop it. I am Lily. Ask me anything. I can prove it. Go ahead. Ask me." The grin was back.

Clamping his mouth shut, Severus frowned suspiciously and stared at her, his eyes boring into hers. His eyes moved to his bedside table. In a blindingly fast move, he grabbed his wand and pointed it at her. "Legilimens," he cast out, the spell hitting her right between the eyes.

"Damn it, you son of a witch!" she spat, the slap to her mind hurting as if she had been punched. But she had been taught Occlumency, and although she had at first been taken unaware, she stopped him from entering further, firmly blocking the memories from his grasp. But she could tell he had seen some of them. The vision of himself hanging in the air upside down, his underwear pulled down to his knees in front of James Potter, had flashed vividly before him.

"Who are you?" Severus said softly. "What are you?"

Lily sighed. "Let me explain," she began. It was going to be a long day.


	3. Chapter 3 An Old Friend

**Author's note:** Edited for grammar. Thank you to my beta editor Fainting Fancies 122509

**Chapter 3 – An Old Friend**

Snape was not at all comfortable lying in his own bed next to a stranger. This woman that had just saved his life was only inches from his naked body as they lay together bundled under a pile of quilts and blankets. She looked like a vision from his past, an angel that had suddenly come to life, but this could not be real. Was he hallucinating or worse yet, had he gone mad?

Bristling with suspicion, Severus knew this must be a trick. "And why should I listen to you? Surely, you are here to do me evil. Perhaps, you are a Death Eater in disguise, ready to take revenge on a traitor. Tell me!" he challenged, the spark in his eyes coming back as the warmth seeped slowly back into his body. "Or, are you a devil sent to torment me?"

Propping herself up on one elbow, Lily stared into his eyes. "You saw for yourself. My memory was revealed to you – rather rudely, I might add." Lifting an eyebrow, she poked her finger at his arm. "Did you forget that day? The day you called me a _Mudblood_?"

"Never," he whispered. "It haunts me always."

"And do you remember what I called you?" she smiled back at him, her eyes twinkling.

"I do not think this is relevant," Severus glowered. "I am still waiting for an explanation." His face now flushed, his emotions were wildly vacillating between anger, hope and fear. There was also an undeniable, intense curiosity.

Tilting her head slightly so that her thick, dark red hair tumbled down against her face, Lily reached over to touch his bare chest, but before contact was made, Snape grasped her wrist hard and held it. Struggling against his grip, she gritted her teeth. "_Snivelus_, I called you _Snivelus,_ remember? Now, let go of me," she demanded breathlessly.

With a disgusted grunt, he released her and pushed her hand back. "You have no right. Where did you steal that memory? Was it taken from Harry Potter? He had seen it in the Pensieve. No one else knew. They rest of them are all dead."

"I'm trying to tell you, Sev, that they aren't _all_ dead. _I'm still here_. Won't you _please_ listen? Trust your instincts."

"It seems my instincts are not working very well today," he replied softly, before once again letting the anger slip back into his tone. "And, if I'm going to have to listen to some ridiculous tale, I will not do so lying naked in bed. Turn you head away from me, woman. I need to get dressed."

"I don't know what you're all embarrassed about. I've seen you naked plenty of times, starting with the time I dared you to take your pants off, remember?" Lily smirked. "What were we? Thirteen?"

Despite himself, a slight flicker of a smile crossed his lips. "If I recall, you refused to let me see your … ah … unclothed …" Severus cleared his throat.

"Breasts?" Lily laughed. "Well, I didn't have much then."

"I imagined they were … ah … quite beautiful," Severus said quietly, looking away from her almost shyly. But then, he shook his head, angry with himself, his impatience returning. "Very well, I will give you a chance to explain. You have convinced me that there may be more to this story." Forcing himself to be cautious, a small swell of hope began to rise in his soul, but Severus was determined not to let it overcome his rational mind.

"Yes, well … you need to know this, Severus. Just promise me you'll listen - to the whole story. You can ask questions, but you have to hear me out." Beseechingly, she looked at him, the green eyes meeting the black.

Severus nodded. He could never deny her.

"Listen, Sev, let me get us some tea," she offered, "and I'll let you get dressed. I'll meet you in your office."

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Strangely, as if she'd been to his apartment many times before, she went to a cupboard near the fireplace and pulled out a couple bags of Earl Grey tea and a small battered teapot. Within minutes, the tea was ready, and she was sitting before his desk, patiently waiting.

Dressed once more in his familiar, black, frock coat, Severus walked slowly around her, his eyes scanning her up and down taking a careful measure of the woman sitting calmly in the chair before him. Silently, he stood beside her with his arms crossed.

"I didn't want you to find out like this, you know," Lily said.

"And how were you going to tell me? With fireworks and wand writing? Perhaps in a letter? Or maybe you'd just pop into one of my classes. 'Hello, Professor, it's been such a long time …'" Severus snarled at her, his statements dripping with sarcasm.

"I … was … afraid," she answered meekly.

"Afraid? An infamous Gryffindor? I do not think so."

Feeling tears begin to well up, Lily shook her head. "You don't understand."

"That is correct, _I do not_! Please," he replied coldly. "Explain!" His feelings were so raw that he knew he had to be careful. His acid tongue could inflict deep wounds, and he did not want that - at least not yet. Swooping around to the other side of his desk, he sat down and touched his fingertips together, concentrating on control.

"Where shall I begin?"

"How about with your supposed death?" Severus asked, his voice now calm and even. "You fooled even Dumbledore."

"No, I need to go further back. I need to explain … about James." She looked at her hands and could not meet his judgmental gaze. The pain was too intense.

Severus remained quiet. His throat was constricted entirely too tightly to provide even an attempt at speech.

"I loved him, Severus. You have to understand that," she said quietly.

She lifted her eyes toward him, but he had looked away, his gaze unreadable.

"But, I only ever began to … see him after I … oh, God, I need to tell you this." Struggling, she looked up at him, her eyes swimming with tears. "Severus, I loved you. I just … I knew I lost you. The Dark Arts. They stole you from me."

"Lily," he began, his voice crackling, his pain vivid and clear. "I was not thinking clearly."

"I know," she paused. "I know that now, but I was so young then. I didn't understand."

"Please, forgive me," he murmured.

Nodding silently, she wiped a tear from her cheek, still unable to meet his gaze. "There were so many rumors. I heard stories of what the Death Eaters … what they did to people. And every time I heard of the killings, I --"

"Don't …" he spoke softly. "You have no idea. I am not blameless. I am … I have many regrets."

"You don't have to explain, Severus."

Somberly, Severus arose from his chair and walked to the wall turning his back to her. "I am not a good man, Lily."

"Oh, Sev. Yes, you are. I know you are." She jumped up and went to him, turning him toward her. "You've proved it a hundred times over."

Opening his mouth to speak, he hesitated, his obsidian eyes staring at her, begging forgiveness, his heart open and vulnerable. Only to this miraculous woman before him could he lay open his soul.

"I did it for you," he whispered. "I betrayed the Dark Lord only for you."

"No, Severus. You did it because it was the right thing to do."

"Perhaps …" he answered looking at the floor.

"After I'd lost you, a part of me died. You have to realize that James came to me at a time when I needed someone. I had a broken heart. Do you understand?"

"Yes, but … why Potter? You always said he was a toe rag."

Smiling sadly, she answered, "He wasn't, you know. He was as bad as you, sometimes, with his judgments of people, but he was a good man."

"As bad as me? He was an arrogant arse. Never following rules, thinking he owned the world." Severus was bitter and always would be.

"This story isn't about him, Severus."

Not responding, Snape just waived his hand dismissively and shook his head, the pain too strong.

Sighing, Lily smoothed the cloth of her robes, still avoiding his eyes. Taking a deep breath, she continued, "As you know, Voldemort came after us that night."

"Because I told him about the prophecy. Did you know that?"

"Yes. Dumbledore told me."

"Dumbledore? When did he –"

Lily interrupted, "Wait. That comes later. Let me finish."

Snape lifted his eyes to stare at her. He would need to put his feelings aside for the moment. Objectivity was needed, but it would take all the willpower he possessed.

"So, you were hiding in Godric's Hollow."

"Yes. It happened just as I'm sure you've heard. Voldemort killed James, and then he came after Harry and me. I wouldn't let him kill my son. I didn't care about myself. All I wanted was to save Harry, so I pleaded with him, asked for pity. But I think you know, if anyone does, that he just didn't care. He just laughed, threw up his arm and pointed his wand at Harry, so I leapt in front of it."

"That's when you were killed," Severus stated softly.

"That's what everyone thought – that I was murdered. I'm sure you heard the story about how my motherly love saved Harry. Well, it was Dumbledore's theory that the love was sort of a two-way thing - a bond between Harry and me. It was that love that saved Harry, and I suppose it saved me too."

Nodding, Severus just listened, not knowing what to believe.

"I don't remember anything after that. Not until I woke up in a coffin."

"My God, Lily."

"Yes, you can't imagine. There was absolutely no sound, except for my breathing. And the pain, it was incredible. My chest was crushed, my sternum shattered. I think since they thought I was dead, the healers didn't even try to repair it."

"What did you do?"

"Luckily, they had set my wand in the casket. I simply Apparated away."

"To where?"

"Godric's Hollow. I had to see what happened to James and Harry. When I saw the house … destroyed … I …" Lily couldn't go on. The tears began to flow as they always did when she relived those horrible moments.

"Harry was alive," Severus stated quietly.

"Yes, yes, but I didn't know that. You should have seen that house. It was completely in ruins. I knew in my heart that no one could have survived." Sobbing, she conjured a handkerchief and held it up to her eyes, trying to hide her face behind it. How many times had she cried? There were always more tears. Always.

Letting Lily take a few moments to compose herself, Severus then asked, "What did you do then?"

"I collapsed in the road. Maybe I lost consciousness. I'm not sure. I was very weak. Luckily, someone found me. Some stranger, I think. Maybe it was Dumbledore. I never found out. But, thankfully, they took me to St. Mungo's." Recovering from her tears, Lily cleared her throat and continued. "I was very ill. The killing curse was slowly poisoning me. Some of it had been deflected, but there was still enough of it circulating in my body to make me deathly ill. From what Dumbledore told me later, they needed to call in a specialist—a special Dart Arts healer." A shy smile returned to her face. "Years later, Dumbledore told me that it was you that saved me."

"_What?"_ Severus said incredulously.

"I suppose you don't remember."

Frowning, Snape searched his memories frantically trying to remember the event so long ago. "I was brought to St. Mungo's to help with several cases. After the first war, they had many injuries that the healers couldn't cure. No one had the skills or the knowledge to treat the wounds, but I had some experience. As you probably remember, I had been studying the Dark Arts since I was a child. It fascinated me. Over the years and with a great amount of trial and error, I was able to perfect some marginal treatments, especially for those wounds that were potion- induced. I was instructed to try to save some of the unfortunates that had survived. However, I was not very successful." Sadly, Severus recalled the feeling of helplessness as he watched so many of the warriors die. "But, I don't think I could have missed the fact that I was treating you."

"From what I was told, they hid my face and just showed you my chest wound."

"It seems highly unlikely." He frowned and shook his head before he remembered a horrible case where a woman's chest had been completely caved in, almost crumpled, the heart visible and beating weakly before his eyes. "I do recall one victim that Dumbledore brought to me. He had hidden the woman's identity because she had been one of his spies. At least that's what he told me."

"That was me." Smiling sadly, she undid her blouse and revealed the old wound, now healed, on her chest, directly between her breasts. It looked like a hellish sun with scars radiating away from a deep impression in the center.

Severus stared at it silently before lowering his gaze as the memory came flooding back.

"It was you," he admitted in a low voice, his heart aching for her.

"Thank you, Severus. It was very brave of you."

"Brave? No, I was simply following Dumbledore's orders. I didn't care who lived or died at that point."

"He told me what you did … asking for Dumbledore's help when … you knew Voldemort was after us." Lily spoke the words quietly, but her heart was filled with love for him. "You came to my rescue."

"I am no hero, Lily. I didn't care about James or Harry. All I could think about was you. As I said before, I am not a good man. I was - am - very selfish."

Lily reached up and took his head in her hands. "No," she said, a tear falling down her cheek. "You are a very good man. Severus … oh my dear, Severus …"

Looking down into her green eyes he threw his arms around her, crushing her to his chest. Laying his head on her shoulder, he shuddered as the emotions overwhelmed him.

"Wait," Lily said in a whisper. "I hear voices. Someone's coming."


	4. Chapter 4 A Short Interruption

**Author's Note:** This chapter is now fully edited. A special thank you to my grammar editor Fainting Fancies. 122509

**Chapter 4 – A Short Interruption**

"I mustn't be seen. Severus, where can we hide?" Lily was panicking.

"What do you mean 'we'?" Snape whispered back.

"You're dead, Sev. Don't you remember? You just committed suicide."

"But, I'm still alive."

"Yes, but, just for now, come on. Where should we go?"

"The potions cupboard. Here, it's my private stores. I keep it locked, they can't get in." Hurriedly, Snape opened the lock and pulled Lily in with him, closing the door behind them.

The sound came from far away. Severus and Lily could hear voices coming from near the dungeon steps.

"Oh, Minerva, it's so sad. I had no idea he was that depressed. He always seemed so, well, you know … strong." Pomona Sprout's voice carried through the cavernous potions classroom.

"I had no idea either, Pomona. He was very difficult to understand," the headmaster muttered, her shoes making little shuffling noises on the stones.

"Hagrid found his clothes piled right by the lake. Professor Snape even took the time to fold them. Even his cloak. Oh, why, Minerva? He was a hero to all of us."

"Well, goodness knows. People can do strange things sometimes, but maybe he left a note. Come along now, let's do a search. I wouldn't want a student to come upon it."

Lily and Severus could hear more shuffling, and then the sounds grew dim. Perhaps they had moved toward the bedroom.

"Oh NO! Sev!" Lily whispered loudly.

"Quiet," Severus murmured his voice barely audible. "They're coming back."

"But our cups. The tea. There are two cups!"

The shuffling got louder as the two women entered Snape's office.

"Look, there's a fresh piece of parchment," Pomona exclaimed, "with some writing on it."

Lily and Severus could hear some movements before they heard McGonagall's pinched voice. "It's just straight lines. Nothing else."

Inside their protective hiding place, Severus moved slightly, his arms rubbing Lily's back as he embraced her. There was very little room in the compact space, and they dared not move away from each other.

"Minerva, do you think the giant squid may have found him?" Pomona said sadly, her voice shaking. "I know he wasn't … a pleasant man, but …" Pomona could not continue.

At the sound of Pomona's comment, Severus snorted. Lily slapped her hand lightly over Snape's mouth and opened her eyes wide, cautiously lifting her finger across her lips, trying to get Severus to understand the need for silence.

Beyond in the office, Minerva glanced toward the potions cupboard, her eyes narrowing, and her thin lips compressing in thought.

"Look, Minerva," Pomona said, her voice rising in excitement. "It looks like he was drinking tea." The woman went over to the teapot only to discover that the container was still warm. With wide eyes at her discovery, she noticed something else. "Minerva! Look, there are two cups. Do you think Professor Snape had a visitor?"

Minerva looked from the cupboard to the cups, before answering slowly, "No, that couldn't be. He's never had any friends that I know of. No living relatives either. He's very much a solitary man."

"Maybe that's why he … did it. Maybe he was lonely," Pomona said sadly.

In the cupboard, Snape looked down at the top of Lily's head leaning gently against his chest. The dark red hair appeared almost black in the dim gloominess of the enclosed space. The Potions master had never felt so hopeful. Slowly, Severus moved his hand to Lily's cheek and stroked it with the utmost tenderness. She looked up into his eyes, the dim light glinting off of his black orbs. Lily opened her mouth slightly and licked her lips. Unhurriedly, he leaned down and brushed his lips against her forehead, the curtains of raven, black hair covering their faces and snuffing out the remaining light.

Suddenly, Lily lifted her hand and grasped the back of Snape's head bringing him closer. She stopped just as his lips brushed hers. It had the desired effect. Severus could stand it no longer, pressing his mouth down onto hers hungrily, his tongue moving between her lips and into her mouth as he thrust aggressively between her teeth.

A soft moan escaped from his throat and both of them froze, their hearts pounding wildly. Panting, they gazed at each other, their lips still sealed together like glue.

"Well, we'll just have to tell the authorities there's nothing here. I'm sure we'll find no body; the merpeople would have disposed of the remains. I just can't believe it," Minerva continued. "After all the dangers and troubles he's lived through, to waste his life like this."

More shuffling ensued as the women moved away, the sounds diminishing to nothingness as the silence returned.

Moving apart slightly, Snape stared down at Lily. He said nothing, but his eyes told her everything she needed to know. They were filled with lust and longing.

"I think the coast is clear," Lily whispered. "But we really should get out of here. Maybe we should go to my apartment in London. We could talk there. No one would disturb us."

"I certainly do not want us to be disturbed," Severus breathed in her ear, reluctant to release her from his arms, but she tenderly pushed him away.

"Okay, my friend. Come on. I think we can sneak out now. Let's get down to the main gate. We can Apparate from there. I have so much more to tell you."

Xxxxxxxx

It was already late morning when they Apparated into Lily's parlor with a loud crack. Lily moved away from him, anxious to start a fire in the grate, but Severus held on to her hand tightly and then pulled her back into his arms. For a few moments he stared down into her green eyes, his heart beating faster and faster as his mind struggled with the vision before him. The sun was streaming in the long south-facing windows and highlighting her dark red waves of hair with a shimmering gold.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you wait so long?"

"I couldn't show myself. Dumbledore warned me that it was too dangerous."

"Dumbledore is gone. Why didn't you come to me after the war? It's been four years." Severus's voice crackled with the pain.

Lily returned his gaze bravely but said nothing, her bottom lip quivering as her eyes filled with tears. "I told you. I was afraid. Severus, I'm not the girl you remembered. I'm not the innocent beauty that you put on a pedestal."

"I don't care …"

"No, Severus." The tears leapt down her cheeks as if racing each other down to her chin. Severus took his finger and gently wiped them away. She blinked and looked down. "I thought you'd be disappointed."

He shook his head slowly and leaned forward to kiss her, but she turned away, the imagined fear overwhelming her.

Reluctantly, he released her, but he did not move away. He simply raised his eyebrows and replied gently, "How could I be? I love you Lily … always."

"Don't, please. You have to give this some thought." She turned away and quickly lit a fire in the grate, wiping at her eyes. Without looking at him, she moved off toward the kitchen, calling back over her shoulder, "Why don't you relax and get warm by the fire? I can get us something to eat. Do you feel hungry? You were mighty sick this morning." Her voice had trailed off as the door closed behind her. In an instant, it opened up again, and her face peeped out, now displaying a big grin, but Severus could see that her eyes were still red.

"I am in need of nourishment," he replied.

The dimple appeared in her cheek, and she laughed. "I guess that means yes. I don't have much, but how about some eggs and sausages? And maybe some of your favorite burned toast? I remember you love it almost charred."

"Hmmm, yes. How do you remember things like that? We haven't had breakfast together since … since your mother …" He stopped, the vivid memory warming his soul. Her mother had taken him in so many times when he had feared to go home, his parents in some dreadful fight.

"And you were so funny. You used to make her laugh so with your strange comments and your dry sense of humor." Lily's voice floated out to him from the kitchen. "She's gone now, of course."

Severus closed his eyes. Yes, he thought, they're all dead – his parents as well as hers. The only one left was Petunia, that miserable hag. But then his mood shifted as he recalled that Lily was alive. She was just in the other room making breakfast for him. Despite himself, he smiled broadly as the smell of the sausages wafted into the living room. Unable to stay away from her, he opened the kitchen door just as she was using her wand to dispense butter on the toast.

"Come on and sit down. Here," she indicated to a seat covered in magazines.

The kitchen was extremely small, and the clutter made it appear absolutely miniscule. There were pots and pans stacked on the counter, but Severus could see that everything appeared reasonably clean. Not to his standards, of course, but tolerable.

He stared down at the pile of periodicals and raised an eyebrow. "I see you do not have regular visitors."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Here, let me get rid of those for you." Promptly, she lifted the stack and plopped it right down on the floor next to the chair. Rolling up her sleeves, she grinned up at him and waived her arm over the now empty seat. "Petunia was always the neat one. I suppose I could file these away somewhere."

Stepping over the pile, he sat down gingerly and looked at the titles of the publications. The top one was a medical journal entitled _The Healing Wand_. Near a pile of folded towels in the corner was another stack of magazines, but these were quite familiar to Severus. The neat stack of _The Practical Potioneer_ stood almost two feet high and leaned against the adjoining cupboard.

With a flourish, Lily laid down an oversized oval serving platter directly in front of Severus. The serving dish was covered with a heaping display of scrambled eggs and sausages. Immediately to his left, she placed a stack of toast and a large teacup filled to the brim with steaming liquid. Lily sat down across from him with just a small mug of her own and an expectant look on her face.

"Lily, I can't eat all of this. Aren't you having any?" Severus asked, his eyes wide in disbelief. The portion size could have fed Hagrid for two days.

"I'm watching my weight. You go ahead. Dig in." She smiled sweetly and tilted her head. "I know you like sausages."

After a few small bites, Severus placed his fork back on the table, his appetite not quite what it used to be. Besides, he was much more interested in getting back to their earlier conversation.

"Lily, what happened after you got out of St. Mungo's? Where have you been? And why were you at the school last night?" His mind was working fast, trying to put the pieces together.

With a sigh, Lily took a big sip of tea before setting the mug back down and concentrating on the flower design adorning its sides. "Let's take this one step at a time. I was in hospital for over five months. After you treated me, I caught a bug of some sort. They said it was a dream weevil. I kept hallucinating things, thinking I could speak Russian or thinking I was a ballerina." Laughing, she looked up at him shyly. "Just think, me a ballerina."

"You had other talents, Lily," Severus said softly.

"Yes, well, after I was cured, just before my release, Dumbledore came to see me." Lily looked down at her mug again and traced the flower pattern with her finger. "He told me about Harry - about how he had placed him with Petunia. He described how everyone thought I was dead. As you can imagine, I was overjoyed to learn my son was alive, but Dumbledore then told me about his scar, and how mysterious it was that he had lived. In no uncertain terms, he told me it would be impossible for me to reveal myself to Harry. It was just too dangerous. He believed that Voldemort was still surviving somewhere just waiting for the right moment. If he would have discovered I was alive, I could have led him right to Harry."

"That blasted manipulator. How could he have been so cruel, keeping you from your son?"

"No, Severus. It was the right thing to do," she said softly. "But, I haven't spoken to Harry ever since. He doesn't know anything about me."

"Well, you must tell him. Now. He lives in London, here. Why don't you go see him?" Severus said adamantly.

Another sigh escaped Lily's lips, and once again a tear escaped down her cheek. "No," she said. "It's too late. We're … we're strangers, Sev. Don't you see? It's been more than 20 years. He doesn't need me. Why complicate things?"

Severus thought for a moment and then replied, "I cannot begin to fathom what it might be like for you, Lily, and since I have no children, I cannot know what it would be like to be a father. But I do know what it was like to be a son. My mother may not have won any prizes, but she did … care for me. I will only say this once, and then you may do as you wish, but I think you should reconsider. You are young yet, and there could be many happy years for you to get to know him. He and I have certainly had our differences, but I believe he would agree with me on this singular point."

"You sound just like Minerva." Lily smiled sadly but didn't look at him.

"I do not believe I have a Scottish accent," Severus replied softly, the corner of his lip twisting up slightly.

"Oh, Sev," she answered, her lower lip beginning to tremble once again. "I've missed you so." A sob escaped briefly before she tried disguising it with a cough.

Reaching over across the table, he grasped her hand. "That was supposed to be funny. I guess I'm not used to telling jokes."

"What are you saying?" she looked up at him, the smile returning. "That was incredibly funny! I just …" She fell silent, but looked at him intensely, the words failing to appear.

With infinite patience, Severus squeezed her hand gently and said, "Now, my love. Please, continue."


	5. Chapter 5 The Watcher

**Author's note: **122509 edited by my grammer beta Fainting Fancies

**Chapter 5 – The Watcher**

"Are you sure you don't want any more eggs?" Lily asked Severus, her smile returning. "You used to eat mountains of food. My mother used to think you had an empty leg."

"I am not a boy anymore, Lily. That was a long time ago."

"I suppose you're right."

With a sweeping motion of her wand, she swiftly vanished the food and removed the dishes as Severus waited awkwardly, a strained silence blanketing them for the first time since they had been reunited. As she stood by the sink, she tried to think. What should she tell him next? This was just the beginning of a very long story. Hopefully, he would understand.

"How about some wine or maybe some Firewhiskey?" she asked, trying to think what he might want. She knew he had both of those things tucked away in a drawer in his office.

"Perhaps, for Christmas, it may be appropriate to indulge in some Elfin Wine." Severus crossed his arms and sat back in his chair, stretching his legs out under the table.

As she reached up in the cabinet above for glasses, she stole a glance at him, but in doing so, she discovered that his eyes were glued to her form. Shyly, she turned away, his intense gaze unnerving her. Continuing with her task, she brought over the bulbous bottle of red, glistening liquid. She set the glasses down on the table and poured each of them a generous portion, trying hard to keep her hands steady. For some reason she had become extremely nervous, his closeness sending a wave of warmth through her lower body. It was a sensation that lately occurred only when she was close to Severus.

"Do you want to take this into the parlor? We might be more comfortable," Lily suggested, hoping that as the day progressed, the two of them could become more amicable. It was so strange speaking to him now, after watching him for so long as a she had, admiring, but never being able to interact with him.

"As you wish," Snape answered and then stood up. Smoothly, he moved to her side and placed his hand on her arm to turn her toward him. Delicately, he moved his hand along the skin before sliding his other arm around her waist. His eyes continued to bore into hers as he greedily pulled her to him. She did not resist.

"Severus," she sighed.

"I want you. I must have you, Lily." His voice was urgent and needy. He did not want to wait.

"It is too soon. You do not know enough about me yet." At the moment, the fear of rejection was overwhelming her judgment.

Reluctantly, Severus realized he must suppress his emotions as he had been forced to do for decades. This time, he did so gladly. If Lily needed more space or more time to consider this tumultuous situation, then he would bow to her wishes. And, he had to admit, he still held a small lingering pool of doubt. Certainly, Snape had enough convincing evidence to prove that this fragile and heavenly creature before him was indeed, Lily Evans Potter, but was he letting his love for her blanket his otherwise precise and cautious mind? Suspicion and distrust had kept him alive throughout his checkered past. Was he a fool now to toss those hard-earned lessons aside? Lily was right. He must wait.

Still feeling her warmth in his arms, he thought carefully about his reply. "Then, you must provide me with that knowledge so that we can proceed along the correct path. If you are, indeed, Lily, then you know me to be a cautious man. I do not make decisions lightly, but once made, my choices are usually correct. I will not make a mistake with you." He flicked his eyes to the bottle she was holding and smirked slightly. "Perhaps the wine will loosen your tongue, or do I need to go back to Hogwarts for some Veritaserum?"

Relaxing a bit, Lily smiled. "No, I think I can handle it with a few glasses of wine, although your presence seems to have intoxicated me already."

"The feeling is mutual, my dear," Severus replied, his eyes glinting mischievously. Releasing his hold, he moved away, a slight sigh escaping his otherwise controlled countenance.

They moved into the living room and seated themselves apart from one another. They both realized that a bit of physical distance would aid them to concentrate on the discussion ahead. Lily sat down in the faded old armchair she had positioned directly in front of the blazing fire. Severus settled on the loveseat, his body leaning forward slightly, his elbows resting on his thighs.

Staring at the reflection of the flames in his drink, Severus asked, "Now then. You were just about to be released form St. Mungo's when Headmaster Dumbledore came to see you. What did you do then?"

Taking a deep breath, Lily took a large swig of wine and began again, "Well, I had to make a living didn't I? Dumbledore tried to ask me questions about what I might want to do with my life, what career choices I had in mind, but I didn't have the least interest in caring about myself. Then, he suggested that I take up a position as an assistant healer at the hospital. He said he had already spoken to the minister about it, and there were plenty of positions available. They needed more staff in those days because of the war casualties, and I thought he was just being kind and doing his job as a headmaster for one of his old pupils." Lily paused and took another swig of wine, draining the glass.

Severus listened silently and let her continue.

"But, as it turned out, that was not the case at all. Dumbledore had a plan. He saw his chance to put one of his loyal supporters to good use. I was to become a spy."

"A spy? You? Why would he even suggest such a thing? Didn't he realize the trauma you had just endured? Did he have no heart?" Severus was beside himself with anger and frustration. The old manipulator had come from the grave to goad him once more.

"No, Severus. He was right. I was in a perfect position to spy on everything that went on at St. Mungo's. I was already familiar with most of the staff on my wing and as a trainee; I could move about and eventually position myself to monitor all of the inner workings of the institution. Not only could I oversee the patients, watching for any Death Eaters that might be admitted, I could also make sure to keep tabs on any suspicious staff members. Remember that everyone thought I was dead, so it was a simple procedure to change my name and add a simple disguise. The color of my hair was important to hide, as well as my eyes. In the end I became Hyacinth Baker. With my hair a mousy brown and my eyes a pale blue, no one ever recognized me."

"I can't believe that! I would have known you in an instant."

Lily laughed. "Oh, sure. What if I told you that I was right next to you as you stood by the bedside of Arthur Weasley? Remember when you and Dumbledore came to see what assistance you could give him from Nagini's bite? I was working with another healer at the time, not the one assigned to Arthur, but I had a patient in the same wing. A newly afflicted werewolf, if I remember right. Well, when I saw you and Dumbledore come in, I waltzed right over and pretended to add some supplies to the cabinet close to his bed."

"I don't believe it!" Severus scoffed.

"Yes, you were standing there with your arms crossed, arguing with Arthur about the wounds and how to go about cleaning them. It was just too much of a temptation for me. I snuck right up next to you, but Dumbledore saw me. Oh, my, was he furious. The look he gave me was … well, wicked to say the least. I had never seen him so mad. When I reported back to him the following Monday, I was scolded like a child. I didn't understand at the time why he was so angry, but when he finally calmed down, he decided to tell me."

"Tell you?" Snape asked softly, "About me? Was that it?"

"Yes, Sev. He finally told me about why you had changed your mind about Voldemort and the Dark Arts, and why you were helping the cause. Before he told me, I had just assumed you'd finally come to your senses and that Dumbledore took you in. He was always doing that, being someone's father figure."

"But, then you knew. He told you how I was the one that told the Dark Lord about the prophecy." Severus's voice had dropped to almost a whisper.

"To tell you the truth, Severus, I was shocked. Remember that almost fifteen years had gone by. I never knew you still had feelings for me. It just didn't make sense. I had rejected you and gone on to marry your enemy. How could you still think I was … well, good enough for you to risk your life to save?"

"Because I loved you, Lily. I still do. Nothing will_ ever_ change that."

Lily gazed at Severus, her own eyes filled with love for him. They stayed that way for several moments before Lily tore her eyes away and poured herself another glass of wine.

"I'm sorry, I jumped ahead. I was saying that I became a spy for Dumbledore, but I won't go into detail about my missions—let's just say that he kept me very busy. But, I was required to come to Hogwarts once a week, usually on Mondays and report my activities. It was on those visits that I … um …"

"What?" Severus asked curiously.

"I … watched you," Lily said a little fearfully, afraid of what he might think of her.

"You spied on me? For Dumbledore?" Severus was immediately suspicious.

"No, no. Not like that. I just wanted to be near you. Dumbledore had told me you were working for him too and spying on the Death Eater activity, at least what little was going on at the time. I think you and I and quite a few of the spies Dumbledore had enlisted – we were all just waiting. So, on Mondays I would come down to your office or your classroom and watch you work or read." Lily smiled shyly. "I had a day off from my hospital duties, so I spent the whole day with you. No matter what you were doing, I watched."

Severus's eyebrows had flown upward, and his mouth was hanging open. "That's –not – you shouldn't have done that." The shock and surprise were displayed like neon on his face as the anger started to grow. Even though he loved Lily, the idea of someone watching everything he did for over 20 years had deeply unsettled him. His privacy had been compromised.

"Please forgive me, Severus. I couldn't show myself, and I just wanted to be near you. Please, you must understand."

"I do not know what to say." The anger showed like acid in his voice.

"Don't be angry. That's not fair. What about the time right before we met when you spied on me from the bushes by the playground?"

"I was a boy then. You are an adult female trained in spy tactics. It's entirely different." Severus's voice had gone as cold as a glacier, and Lily felt the pain stab her heart. This was what she had been afraid of.

The two fell silent. Severus leaned back and lowered his head, letting his long black hair hang over his face hiding his features. The fire crackled noisily in the background, but it was the only sound in the room.

After a few minutes, Severus leaned forward again and poured himself another serving of wine. He looked toward Lily and studied her face. It was almost angelic. Her cheeks seemed to glow in the firelight, the pinkness of the skin and the delicate freckles nearly sparkled. She was looking down at her wineglass, the sadness clear and distinct on her features.

"How?" he asked. "How did you accomplish this deed? Why had I never noticed?" His tone had lost some of its coldness, but he still sounded wary and suspicious.

Lily cleared her throat again and drained yet another glass of wine before she proceeded. Would he believe her and more importantly, would he ever forgive her?


	6. Chapter 6 Confessions

**Author's note: ** 122509 Edited by my grammar beta Fainting Fancies

**Chapter 6 – Confessions**

Lily had to be very careful. The things she had revealed to Severus so far were so unbelievable that it was a miracle he had even listened, but the next part of her story would be even more difficult to swallow. But, perhaps he would understand. After all, Voldemort had taught him to fly. Why couldn't Dumbledore teach Lily to disappear?

"Okay," Lily tried to explain. "Now, you have to listen and keep an open mind. First of all, do you believe that there are magical spells completely unknown to most of the wizarding world? That the spells we witches and wizards use in our everyday lives are only the tip of the iceberg of potential discoveries?"

"Obviously …" Snape answered.

"So, it would be reasonable to think that some witches and wizards have a few spells up their sleeve that may seem difficult to believe – that is to the ordinary wizard?" Lily was clearly struggling with how to express herself.

"If you would simply tell me, then perhaps I could decide for myself. How were you able to spy on me without detection?" Severus narrowed his heavily lidded eyes and leaned even further forward.

"I can make myself invisible—at will. I'm sure you're quite familiar with a Disillusionment charm."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Of course, but it is usually cast upon something or someone else. It is very difficult to cast upon yourself."

"True, but Dumbledore taught me to do it using a special technique of his. And there is absolutely no shimmer. Over the years, I have perfected it so that I no longer need to actually cast the spell. I don't even need a wand. I just … vanish …" and with that last word, she disappeared from view.

Severus stood up and walked to her chair, studying the spatial area where Lily had occupied only moments before. There was absolutely no trace. No shimmering or color distortion occurred to betray detection.

"Actually, Sev, I'm over here." She giggled that young girlish laugh that he remembered so well, the laughter that had erupted when they had stuffed a Muggle water hose into Petunia's bedroom. The sound came from directly behind him, right by his elbow.

He turned quickly and tried to feel the air to get a grasp on her, but she had already moved away.

"Try over here." She giggled again, realizing that Severus was beginning to believe her. She had reappeared on the love seat, her feet pulled up on the couch, and her head on the decorative green pillow.

Severus crossed his arms and an appreciative smirk appeared on his face. "I must admit that you are exceedingly talented. Wandless magic. And you say that Dumbledore taught you that?"

"Yes, he had perfected it as a tool to observe the students. He told me that as a headmaster, you needed to be everywhere at once. Since I needed to be on patrol, so to speak, at St. Mungo's, he felt I could use the special ability. Actually, it took me years to master it. For the first ten years, I used James's invisibility cloak. But when Harry arrived at school, I was good enough with the Disillusionment spell that I didn't need the cloak anymore. I asked Dumbledore if we could give it to Harry and, well, that's just what happened."

The explanation was very easy to understand. All of the points she had made and the description of the events of so long ago truly convinced him that she was telling the truth. With one large stride, Severus approached her and sat down on the loveseat beside her. She did not move away. On the contrary, she sat up and slid herself closer, the attraction too intense to resist.

Severus was losing all of his doubts. The earlier hesitation had been replaced by a firm conviction that fate had gifted him with a new beginning. He was convinced that the gods had rewarded him with a fresh new start – a life that could be measured in happiness instead of misery, all thanks to the revelation of his one true love. Lily had returned to him.

"But, I have to ask you, Severus," Lily said softly. "Why did you treat Harry so badly? He never deserved such cruelty."

A small muscle in Severus's jaw began to flex, and he did not immediately reply. Instead he gazed into the fire and remained silent. Lily waited patiently for him to answer her difficult question.

"I was, perhaps … unfair to him at times." Severus began, his mind returning to those days when Harry appeared in his class, looking like an exact duplicate of his father. The messy hair, the arrogant attitude and the glasses all combined to irritate the Potions master like salt on an open wound. "I have no excuses. I can only explain. He represented all of my failures. The fact that you were stolen from me …"

"No, Severus. Not stolen. That is not true. I went to James of my own choice."

"But he did not win you fairly. He never followed the rules, and he was cruel. You said yourself he was a toe rag."

"I was wrong."

Severus stood up quickly, the anger and hurt arising like lava from a volcano. He balled up his fist and made to pound it on the hearth, but then he hesitated and lowered his arm, flexing his hand as if he had a muscle cramp. "No," Snape answered. "I was wrong. Harry was not James, and I should never have acted so …"

"Childish?"

"Yes, but that doesn't change my opinion of James Potter. I will hate him as long as I live." Snape spat out the words, feeling a sense of release. If he and Lily were ever to be together again, Severus would have to clear the air.

"None of us are perfect, Sev."

He stood before her with his arms crossed, his lips pressed together, and his eyes glinting menacingly as he remembered those days so long ago when they were at school. But as he looked at Lily, he realized he must let it go. The events that occurred two decades prior were not relevant to the future, except for the scars that had created their personalities and the way the two of them would judge each other.

"Lily, we can not change the past or how we dealt with the blows fate bestowed upon us. I am sorry for the things that I have done that have hurt you."

"Or my son?"

"I can only regret that I acted out of passion and not reason." Severus opened his eyes and his heart to her. "Lily, can we put this behind us? I have so many regrets, but the most important one is that …" He sat back down on the love seat next to her and wrapped his arms around her spontaneously. "I lost you. I lost your love because of my own stupidity. Can you ever forgive me?" His arms clutched at her desperately as he remembered that last conversation they had had outside the Gryffindor common room so long ago.

The hurt had been devastating for her too. That day was the beginning of the end for her. She grasped him back in her arms, clutching him as strongly as he held her.

"Yes, Severus, yes. Please, know that I have never stopped loving you."

"Lily? Are you telling me that you loved me then?"

A tear sprang up and trickled down her cheek. "Of course I did. It's just that you had changed and I … it broke my heart." Lily began to sob, her tears bursting forth in a torrent. She sprang up off of the couch and disappeared.

"NO! Lily, don't leave me now. I'm not - I'm not like that anymore. Please come back." The ache in his heart was almost too much to bear. He needed her now, needed her love more than anything in his life. "Please …" he said again softly, and then with what sounded like the whimper of a wounded animal, he put his head in his hands and hid his face. As always, the hair covered his features as he attempted to gain control.

A soft gentle hand touched the back of his head, and he raised his eyes silently. Lily had gotten down on her hands and knees before him, her face directly in front of his. With the tenderness of an angel, she gently kissed his lips and murmured, "I forgive you."

They sat there together for many minutes, silently holding each other, letting the pain flow away. It would never be gone, as long as the memory retained its wretched hold on them, but the future and a new hope was budding within the two of them.

After awhile, Lily stood up and asked Severus, "Would you like some more wine? Or maybe some tea? I have some biscuits."

"No," he said softly, his voice like sandpaper. "I think I've had enough."

"Well, I hope you don't mind, but I think I'll have another glass." Lily sighed and poured another full portion of wine into her goblet. "I normally don't drink, but it is Christmas." she smiled impishly up at him.

"If I recall, you were not very good at imbibing alcoholic beverages," Severus commented, remembering a night when they had stolen a bottle of whiskey from his father. "It did not agree with you." His mouth twisted into a smirk, his mood recovering a bit.

"It has been a very long time since I had a drink. Besides, I still have a lot more to tell you," she rationalized, holding the half empty wine bottle to her chest. "And you … have to listen." She plopped herself down on the couch next to him and laid her head on his shoulder. His arm wrapped around her, and they leaned back together, relishing the feel of each other's bodies as they touched so warm and inviting.

"Dumbledore was a great man. He and I spoke about you quite a bit. I think he knew how I felt, but I never told him in so many words," Lily confided.

"I killed him," Severus stated bluntly, throwing the words out like a piece of rotten meat for the wolves.

"I know. He was a great man, but he was also a fool," Lily replied. "You tried to heal him, but if he hadn't put that silly ring on his finger to begin with, the whole episode wouldn't have happened."

"But I wonder, if he hadn't been ill, would he have wanted me to kill him anyway, just to ensure my place by Voldemort's side and the placement of the Elder Wand?" Severus speculated about the events of that year.

"And then the question arises, would Voldemort have tried to kill you?" Lily asked, her head still nestled on Snape's chest, her head snuggled under his chin.

"He had killed almost everyone that was close to him. If it wasn't the confusion over the Elder Wand, then it would have been something else that would have caused him to kill me. It was only a matter of time."

"Severus," Lily began, "how did you find the courage?"

"I suppose it was stubbornness and anger. I channeled it all into one goal, and I failed."

"How can you say that? Harry could only have vanquished Voldemort by watching your memories. It was you that gave him the power to defeat the Dark Lord." Lily hugged Severus closer, and he responded by pulling her into his lap.

"I have to confess, I never really understood how I ended up in St. Mungo's," Severus adjusted his head so he could look in Lily's eyes. "Did you have anything to do with that?"

"No, well, maybe just a little," she answered, a small smile growing on her lips. "But most of the thanks should go to Hermione Granger. I just sort of showed her the way."

"I see," Snape replied, not really seeing at all.

"When you did get to St. Mungo's, I was assigned as your Assistant Healer. I tended you for that entire year." Lily giggled just a little as Severus gave her a questioning look.

"Sev, do you remember last night, when I said I'd seen you naked many times?"

"Yes, I was wondering about that."

"Well, when you were ill, I washed you and changed your clothes. I also took care of your wounds, of course. But I saw all of you, every day." Lily grinned up at him and then placed her hand on his crotch.

"That's enough, woman," he scolded and pushed her hand away. But she tried to touch him again causing them to wrestle wildly, her hands attempting to bypass his quick defensive moves. Finally, he had her wrists tightly gripped in his hands, her body lying right on top of him. She relaxed and simply molded herself to him.

"You were so ill, then, Sev," Lily said to him quietly. "I really thought I was going to lose you. I stayed by your bed, sometimes for days at a time. In the beginning, you were simply comatose, but then toward the end, when you had started to wake up, you talked in your sleep."

"And what did I say? Curses and Dark spells? Death threats?"

"Sometimes, when you were frightened, but …"

"Yes?" Snape asked, really wanting to know.

"You talked to me. You explained things, how you felt, why you did what you did. It was strange, as if you knew I was sitting there."

"And what did you think?" he inquired, his curiosity getting the best of him.

She came closer and whispered to him, just as their lips touched. "I thought about how much I loved you. How much I've always loved you, my brave, brave man."

They kissed long and hard, their desire flaming like a torch. Panting, Severus pushed her away just a few inches. He had one last burning question.

"Why, Lily? Why didn't you reveal yourself to me then? When I was well enough to leave? Why did you wait four years to come to me? We could have been happy - together, just you and me. Tell me, Lily."

"I told you before. I was afraid. It seemed sort of a comforting status quo the way it was. You loved me … the 'me' from long ago, and I could still watch you and be with you. There was no risk. If I had revealed myself and then lost you …" Lily tried to explain, the fear etched upon her face. Grabbing his chest with a grip like a squid's tentacles, she began to cry again. "Don't ever leave me, Severus. I'd just die."

Strangely, a laugh escaped him. How odd it was to hear Lily's voice begging him not to leave her. How joyous the sound of her commitment of love. This was the happiest day of his life.

But then it occurred to him. Why was she there with him at the edge of Black Lake on Christmas Eve? And more importantly, why did she only reveal herself at the last minute? Did this all have to do with his attempt to snuff out his life? Did she really love him or was this just a display of pity?

The explanation must come now; the story needed an ending, and hopefully a beginning.


	7. Chapter 7 I Believe

**Author's Note:** This chapter has now been edited. Thank you to my grammar editor Fainting Fancies

**Chapter 7 – I Believe**

"I know it seems strange. What was I doing at Hogwarts on Christmas Eve?" Lily responded to Severus's question. "I suppose I should have been visiting with friends or relatives. But, you have to understand. I really have no other relatives – except Petunia, and we haven't spoken in years. I do have friends, of course, mostly at the hospital, but they have families, and I would have felt like an intruder."

Snape continued to hold Lily in his arms, his love for her now overcoming all of his other emotions, except curiosity. "But," he questioned, "why Hogwarts? Why were you drawn to the school?"

Lily sighed and gave Severus an incredulous look. "Why do you think? You were there."

Snape smiled, overlooking the obvious. He was still having trouble connecting his past, even his recent past with this brand new hopeful world.

"I had stopped by earlier to …" Lily paused and looked away shyly. "I went to see how you were getting along, and then I went to visit the only other person in the world that knew me as Lily Potter. "

Raising an inquisitive eyebrow, he stated, "Let me guess. Was it Minerva?"

"How did you know?" she gasped.

"Simple deduction. Did you not admit that you continued your spy missions well after Dumbledore's death?"

"Yes," Lily said, tilting her head as she admired his quick mind.

"It seems logical that Dumbledore would have entrusted your identity to another loyal Order member, and she is also," Snape smirked, "a fellow Gryffindor."

"I don't think that had anything to do with it. It's just that there wasn't anyone else in a position to take my information and pass it on. Minerva knew right from the beginning. Over the years, she has become a very good friend, so, of course, I wanted to wish her a Happy Christmas. We had a nice long talk, and I didn't leave until quite late."

"Are you still delivering information?" Snape inquired.

"No, not any more. I think the need is gone now. But, we still get together and discuss … other things."

"Such as?"

Lily looked in his eyes, her gaze distorted by teardrops that had formed once again. "You," she answered in a very small voice.

With a softness borne out of true love, Severus kissed her cheek softly. "And what was so interesting about me that you felt a need to share?"

"Well, Minerva had been trying to convince me to reveal myself to you. Actually, it was an old argument that we've had these past couple of years, but she was quite adamant about it last night. She told me you …" Lily was a bit embarrassed to go on. She knew how much Snape hated his privacy disrupted, and having others discuss his ways would surely anger him.

"Go on."

"She told me you seemed lost."

"That is an interesting word. I do not believe I am in any way 'lost'," Severus frowned impatiently.

"I think what she meant was that you didn't seem to enjoy teaching any longer."

"My, my. That's a surprise," Snape replied sarcastically. "I hate teaching. I always have – except for my Newt level instruction. Any fool that knows me can clearly see— "

Lily interrupted, "Yes, she understands that, but I think she feels you need to direct your life elsewhere. You have so much potential, Sev. You've saved so many people's lives, not just by your actions in the war, but as a healer and a brilliant Potions master. Your skills shouldn't be wasted here at Hogwarts. Have you ever thought about leaving the school?"

Silently, he contemplated her question. The answer was yes. Of course he had, but the idea of working for some uncompromising, short-sighted academic had soured his urges to leave. Hogwarts was the safe alternative. Boring and useless, but at least the teaching position allowed him to work as he liked without much supervision. Minerva had allowed him room to act as he wanted, within reason, of course. He had even dappled in experiments and research on his own from time to time as his schedule allowed. And that outlet was quite a pleasure for him, although lately, he had neglected the work.

"I must confess that I have … thought about it," he finally answered without elaboration.

Lily continued, "Minerva suggested that it was time that you thought about it a little harder. That was one of the reasons she urged me to speak to you as soon as possible, thinking maybe I could convince you, but also …"

"What?" he prodded her to reveal the rest.

"She knew how much - how I …" Lily swallowed and then looked at him. "How I needed you. How we need each other right now. "

Severus narrowed his eyes and finished her thought. "How we've always needed each other. Minerva's right. We've waited long enough." Taking her chin in his hand, he asked her, "Do you agree? Shall we pursue this new course?"

Smiling with an angelic glow, Lily answered softly, "Yes, my friend, my love. It is time. You know, it's strange. Last night, when I left Minerva, there were so many things I had on my mind. I wanted to just go home and think about what she had said, maybe try to get my courage together. So, I hurried out toward the main gate."

"But," Severus interrupted, the puzzlement clear upon his features. "That path leads no where near the Black Lake."

"Yes. That's the strange part. Something drew me there last night. I just found myself walking down to the beach, maybe hoping the walk would help me think – I really don't know. But, that's when I heard the splash."

In a whisper, he added, "And you saved my life."

"Yes," she sighed.

With a sigh he spoke sadly, "I'm sorry. I should never have—"

"No. You shouldn't have. Sev, you need to promise me. Can you promise never, ever to do that again? You are needed here. You have a very full life ahead of you, so full of potential. Will you do that for me? Promise me, my love?"

"I promise," he answered. Knowing in his heart that she was right, he realized that he had the power to change. Had he not done it before at another critical juncture in his life? This was a much easier decision, and he would not walk away from the challenge.

Then, he made another decision. One that was even easier. With a voice that was urgent and full of need, Severus said, "I want you now, Lily. I must have you. Would you have me?"

"I – well, perhaps we … um …" Lily hesitated. Trying to resist, she attempted weakly to push him away, but her arms would not cooperate. Severus lowered his head and touched his nose to her cheek and then slid his lips down to her chin lightly touching the skin. Insistently, he moved his body into hers and breathed deep of her perfume. Realizing there was no way she could stop it, she drew her arms up and around his back, sliding her hands to his shoulders. The ache of so many years of yearning and the pain of hopelessness fueled the surge of desire that now coursed wickedly through their bodies.

Taking her head in his hands, he began to kiss her, his tongue snaking hungrily into her mouth, a deep moan escaping his lips. She unfastened three of the buttons of his frock coat and dress shirt wanting to feel his skin under her fingers. Eagerly, he undid the rest for her and then started to unfasten the back of her robes.

"Wait, Sev," she said huskily. "Come into my bedroom." Urgently, she pulled him along down the darkened hallway.

In a rush, they both removed their clothes, leaving them in a heap on the floor, not caring to delay their tryst. In the heat of passion, they fell into each other's arms, their naked bodies intertwining with a desperate need.

Releasing his kiss, Severus pulled her toward the bed, pushing her backward to fall onto the quilt, her hair flinging out wildly underneath her. Like a strange looking spider he crawled over her, letting his torso hover above her waist, his stiff manhood poised to perform. She opened her legs and reached up grasping his shoulders.

"I've waited so long for this, Lily. I've wanted you all my life," Severus spoke to her, his voice full of love. Inhaling deeply, he felt himself grow harder still, but he did not move. Relishing the moment, he looked down at her beautiful naked form.

Shyly, she dropped her arms and tried to cover her scars, afraid it might repulse him, but he pushed her hands away.

"No Lily, I want you just as you are." He sighed and lowered his body down onto hers. Rising to his elbows, he placed his hips between her legs, his hardened maleness rubbing against her thigh. With a gentle tenderness, Lily reached down and slipped him inside her silken wetness. His moan told her he was ready, and she began to pant as the lust shot through her like a thunderbolt.

"Severus, my God, I've been watching you, wanting to feel you inside me. Oh please," she whimpered. With a rising eagerness, she thrust her hips up to meet him and wrapped her legs tightly around his buttocks.

Thrusting deep into her, his length a bit too large for her to hold, he stopped for a moment and then pulled back slowly before thrusting into her again. "I can't … last, oh my God, Lily," he cried and thrust again. Panting, the sallow skin of his face became flushed as the pressure built within him.

"I love you, Severus, I want you. I've never wanted anything more." Lily gasped as he thrust again, his hair moving with the rhythm as he pulled back and then thrust into her once more. Her hands grasped his slim hips tightly, the muscles tight and tense in her grip. She could feel her juices coating his hardness, and her own climax began to build like a freight train. With the force of a rocket, she reached her zenith, the explosion causing her to cry out, the strength of it stronger than she had ever felt before.

Feeling her throbbing pulsations, Severus was pushed flying over the edge, his rock hard stalk releasing his seed in a torrent within her, his Lily. Gasping, he collapsed weakly onto her before rolling off, his spent manhood sliding out of her.

Falling onto his back, he laid his head down on the pillow beside her and closed his eyes.

"Are you going to fall asleep now?" Lily asked impishly.

"No, I'm just …" he breathed deeply and then exhaled slowly. "I'm memorizing this feeling of utter contentment. I need nothing more from life, now that I have you."

"So, do you believe me now? That I'm Lily?" she teased.

"No, I'm not sure yet," he smirked. "As I have had no previous experience of lovemaking with Lily to compare this to, there is still no conclusive evidence to support—"

"Oh, you!" she whacked him on the arm.

In response, he smiled lazily, his heavily lidded eyes feasting on the beauty lying naked next to him. "I much prefer to lay nude in bed with you when you, too, are unclothed. It is decidedly a more appealing visual display. And …" he leaned closer to her and placed his hand on her breast. "It provides much easier access to your nipples."

Lily whacked him again and laughed, her fears evaporating like mist under a desert sun.

"By the way, did you just say that you loved me?" Severus queried, his voice taking on a serious tone.

Lily moved close to him and gazed into his obsidian eyes. "I did."

"And I love you, Lily … always," he replied. Then, like tendrils on a vine, his arms folded around her as they snuggled their bodies together, feasting on their new discoveries.

The afternoon soon turned into night as they eagerly talked and planned for the future. Finally, as the day ended, Severus fell asleep. It was a very deep sleep.

Xxxxxxxx

**Author's note:** Stay with me here, there is more to come.


	8. Chapter 8 Awakening

**Chapter 8 – Awakening**

"Lily, I think it's time to come back now," Dumbledore said gently. "I know you'd like to stay with him, but it's been almost 24 hours."

A white, vibrant light had filled the room, streaming into every corner of the Potions master's bedroom. Arising from the bed, now fully clothed in her normal set of white robes, Lily looked down at Severus. He was lying on his side, his arms now empty, but the features of his angular face were serene and peaceful. The deep breathing signaled that he was fast asleep. The healing slumber was at work, restoring the mind and body.

"But, maybe he needs me one more day," Lily said sadly, her voice coming from far away. "I could stay with him and make sure he's okay …"

"You know that's not possible. You were only able to do it Christmas Eve because of the extreme circumstances," Dumbledore replied. "He'll be fine. You did an excellent job."

"I never knew you had such a mind for spinning stories, Lily." Remus smiled broadly. "That bit about the coffin was a little extreme. I never thought he'd fall for that."

"I couldn't think of anything else," Lily answered, her voice becoming stronger as she joined the two others. The room below them began to fade slightly, but it was clearly visible beneath them.

"And I see you managed to make love to him," Remus smirked. "I'm sure James will find that very amusing."

Lily looked away, the tears in her eyes betraying her thoughts. She didn't care what James thought. "I had to do it. If I hadn't, he never would have believed me. After all, it's just a dream to him now."

With a knowing look, Dumbledore gazed at her intensely with his pale blue eyes. "And what does it mean to you, Lily?"

"It – means … it means I successfully did my job. I am his guardian, after all." Lily avoided Albus's gaze.

"Yes," Remus spoke up. "You volunteered, and quite enthusiastically, if I recall."

"Well, I was helping out Eileen anyway. Unofficially, of course, but then she was having so much trouble with Tobias that I know she needed my help. And James and Sirius can take care of Harry. They don't need me." With a soft voice she added, "Severus needs me."

"And, as we heard you say to Severus, perhaps you need him, too," Dumbledore replied, a look of understanding reflected in his eyes.

Remus placed a hand on her shoulder. "You love him, don't you?" he asked.

"Please, don't ask me that," Lily responded.

"We don't have to, my dear," Dumbledore answered. "It is really quite obvious. It seems that life did not provide you with the time to resolve that issue. Perhaps, in this afterlife, you have allowed him to know how you feel, if even for a short time. "

Lily nodded. Her angel tears fell softly from her green eyes and down to earth as small pellets of sleet on the dungeon windows. Wiping her eyes, she realized the time had come. "I'd better go. I need to retrieve Severus's clothes from beside the lake before Hagrid finds them."

"Lily, he has a long life to live. There is much work for him to do and perhaps, with luck, he will save many lives." Her old headmaster patted her hand. "And, I see there may be the joys of love and fatherhood ahead for him too, if—"

"If, he can open his mind and not be such a stubborn, selfish git," Remus teased. "I can't imagine what's going to happen up here once Severus arrives. It should make our days rather interesting. "

"It'll make my heaven … perfect," Lily whispered to herself. "But I can wait."

xxxxxxxx

His eye hurt. Every muscle, every tendon and cell of his body seemed to ache, and now that horrible stream of sunlight was stabbing his eyes right through the membrane of his eyelids. The snow clouds from the previous evening had cleared, and the low sun penetrated the dungeon window, pouring unabated into Snape's bedroom. It was only the winter sun that ever succeeded in accomplishing this task and then only a few days on either side of winter solstice. For the rest of the year, Severus's room remained blissfully dark and sunless.

A wave of nausea flooded his senses forcing him to sit up, the desire to vomit not quite strong enough to produce results. He sat on the edge of his bed and placed his bare feet on the small worn rug that covered the stones and protected against the chill of the unheated room. Placing his hands on the mattress beside him to maintain his balance, his head began to spin like a Remembrall. It was then, that Severus realized that he was naked. There on the bedside table, he saw the offending culprit. The entire bottle of Elfin wine was empty of the red, sweet substance.

There on the stool beside his clothes cupboard, Snape eyed another strange display. The suit he had worn the previous night was now folded in a pile on the three-legged stool. All of his clothes, including his top coat and cloak, were folded in a perfect stack, the socks and shoes balanced on top. How did they get there? And why had he not hung them up?

Slowly, Snape arose and dragged himself to the cabinet in the bathroom. Thankfully, the potion he needed was right where he remembered it should be, not that he seemed to be remembering much this morning. Painfully, he tried to piece together the sequence of events. What had he been doing last night?

Taking the entire contents of the vial into his mouth, he swallowed it in one swig. Snape shuddered. He would have to replace the hangover cure soon, as that was the last of the batch he had prepared only a few weeks ago. He had been in need of it far too many times these last few months. Feeling refreshed, Severus immediately felt a chill pass through his body as the memory of last night's deadly swim swirled up into his consciousness. Thinking hard, he tried to remember what had happened after he had fallen into the icy water, but there was only blackness and then … nothing.

Except for the dream. In vivid clarity, he recalled the strange experience of waking up with Lily beside him in his bed. Never before in his life had he recollected a dream quite like this one, almost as real as if it had actually happened, especially the last segment. With his head dangling down, he supported his weight with his arms and leaned over the sink with his eyes closed. He could taste her kiss, feel her sweet body in his arms, and replay their lovemaking – he would never forget it, as long as he lived.

With a sigh, he realized he needed to be in the Great Hall for the mid-day Christmas celebration, and it was already 9 o'clock. After a bath, Severus went back into his bedroom to get dressed.

Blaming the Elfin wine for his rather disgusting behavior, the thoughts of the last evening's attempt to end his life replayed uncomfortably in his mind. The decision had been weak and cowardly, certainly an unacceptable choice. With a strong conviction, he promised himself never to do anything so foolish again.

Just before he was to leave for the lunch, Snape noticed two letters on his desk that remained unopened from the previous day's mail. How had he missed them? Puzzled, he opened the first. It was from one of his ex-pupils, a Miss Hermione Granger. Frowning, he unrolled the long parchment and began to read the exceeding long letter. In it, the woman described how she was about to finish her internship as a healer and would soon to be moving into a new position at St. Mungo's Hospital. Severus sighed, wondering why the silly girl had bothered him with such irrelevant news, but as his eyes quickly scanned the page, he understood the reason she had written.

A unique position had opened up at the hospital. The administrator was organizing a new research facility that would work in conjunction with the hospital to improve magical healing techniques and potion enhancements. This administrator, a man named Marius Pepper had some extremely radical viewpoints that encouraged change and offered a hope for the discovery of miracle cures for the most lethal diseases of the wizarding world.

Severus lowered the letter onto his desk and sat back in his chair deep in thought. The last paragraph of Miss Grainger's letter had indicated that the position to head the potions lab was still open. It seemed that the administrator could not find a qualified witch or wizard to meet his high expectations or embrace his radical views. Hermione had recommended that Snape apply.

Scoffing at the letter, Severus couldn't believe that there would be anyone, especially in such a high position that would embrace change. The little know-it-all must have gotten this completely wrong.

As Snape tossed the parchment aside, his eyes became glued to the second letter. Puzzled, he realized that this one had come directly from the new administrator, Marius Pepper. Quickly, Severus opened the scroll to read that the wizard had learned of Professor Snape from scores of sources both in the academic and private community. These referrals had indicated the professor's skills and unique interest for experimentation, especially in the use of novel techniques and the potential for Dark Arts cures. With great enthusiasm, Healer Pepper was offering the position to Snape to head the entire lab, asking for Severus to come to London as soon as possible to meet with their staff.

Shaking his head in disbelief, Severus read the final paragraph:

_**Professor Snape, we believe you should have the final authority to hire your staff if you choose to accept our offer; however, we are recommending that you consider the following two individuals. These rather young witches will need guidance, but we feel they are extremely talented in their fields. Their names are Hermione Granger, who we recommend for your assistant, and Luna Lovegood for the position of research analyst. Both of these young ladies are graduates of Hogwarts and were at the top of their class at Newt level Potions and Transfiguration. Perhaps you remember them?**_

_**Please respond as soon as you are able as we are anxious to begin.**_

_**Sincerely,**_

_**Head Healer, Marius Pepper**_

Overwhelmed with the timing of the letters, Severus placed his fingers on his temples, rubbing the skin and hoping the action would help him think.

Just then, his elbow slipped off the edge of his desk, knocking over his brand new bottle of red ink. The red liquid spilled all over the page and obscured almost every word in the last paragraph of the letter. Severus could have sworn he felt someone push his elbow off the edge, but that seemed impossible. As he lifted his wand to clean up the mess, he stopped in mid air. Only two words on the page were not covered with the blood red ink. The short phrase _'Please respond'_ was left untouched.

Flicking his wand to remove the ink Severus felt a small flash of frustration and puzzlement, but it was quickly followed by a budding curiosity. Yes, he would have to accept the position. If for the only reason to make sure Miss Granger and Miss Lovegood didn't completely waste the opportunity set before them. It would take a strong hand to keep these two in line, and he knew he could handle them.

The challenge was laid out; now all he had to do was accept. Pulling a fresh piece of paper out of his desk drawer, Severus never noticed an invisible hand slip a small envelope back into the drawer. The envelope contained an old photo of a very special friend.

After sealing the parchment and laying it aside for posting the next day, Severus strode out the door and up the steps, hurrying to the noon Christmas celebration. In the now empty office, an angel appeared. Lily moved to the waste bin and retrieved the discarded dark green wrapping paper. Turning it over in her hand, she tried to reread the message she had written, but it had faded away. The invisible ink had done its work, but with a wave of her hand the message reappeared.

_Love Always, Lily_

**Author's note:** We have come to the end of this story, but hopefully, the beginning of a new life for Severus. Thank you for reading. Comments appreciated.


End file.
